There are two versions of me …
The normal everyday version, hyperactive rave squirrel, a million ideas, lots of coffee, smashing goals, music cranked, pretty happy adhd living my best life version
Then there is the other version
The one crippled by PMDD …
* Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)
I’ve been diagnosed with this for a few years, after the doctors picked up a pattern in my hormone issues in 2018 and told me … “feeling like you want to smash things and throw people through walls, and burn it all to the ground .. isn’t your normal PMS”
I was like “wait isn’t this just pms like everyone feels” … umm nope, this is a super super severe and sometimes life threatening version.
The hardest part about this, is I don’t know it’s happening, when I’m in the depths of it, I’m not aware enough to know it’s happening
It takes Aaron, very gently reminding me the last time I felt like this, and then giving me lots of cuddles and compassion while I cry “omg that’s what it is” and feel like an idiot, and try to tell him to swap my in for a less crazy and damaged model …
For a couple of days, every few months (PCOS means no regular cycle for me) so I can’t predict it which makes it tricky, my hormones change rapidly and swiftly causing some type of dump in my system where it all goes haywire.
Scientist cannot pinpoint exactly what causes it, and there is no cure but here is what it looks like for me …
I get irrationally angry like RAGE angry
Snappy like I’ll go scorched earth over a few crumbs on the counter
Moody over nothing
I feel hopeless
Completely unworthy and useless
The depression floods in hard and from no where, suddenly my thoughts take a very dark turn, it feels like there is no hope, no light, like is will never ever get better
I’ll sit in the same spot for hours unable to move and yet angry at myself for not moving (adhd exasperates this)
I’ll cry over nothing and everything
Before I know what’s going on I really best myself up… and I’ll try to snap out of it, I’ll try journaling, eating well, exercising, fresh air, literally every thing to get out of the funk but after years I know NOTHING works, if anything I just beat myself up worse for not being able to snap out of it, 🤦🏽♀️
And then , my period kicks in and even though it hurts, and I feel tired ( PCOS ) I also begin to feel like me again, and relieved that the worst of it is over. ..
The hope
The sparkle
The ambition
And SHONA comes back in full force
As if the last 1-2 days never happened
And that’s the hardest part, I forget … I forget just how bad it gets, until it happens again.
In the thick of the hormone depression, I forget all the good parts, I honestly believe I am the most horrible worthless human to exist, my anxiety is out of control and I picture every horrible scenario happening to the people I love, I don’t want to leave the house and holding a conversation is basically impossible
And in the thick of the rest of my life, I completely forget that there is this crippling thing hanging over my head that has a much bigger effect on my life than I would like to admit
I don’t share about this, much at all … like ever, because who wants to hear about the long list of medical problems someone has, adhd, PCOS, PMDD, Anorexia …. Like who cares right?
But for me, I need to share this, I need to acknowledge that there are days in my cycle where I really really struggle, where I’m not ambition and abundance and alignment
I’m crying, and miserable and hopeless
But I also need to remind myself, it will pass … I am living with this, I can treat it ( there I no cure except a fully hysterectomy which I am hoping to have this year ) but that those really dark days …. Do pass.
My business is set up to keep rolling, and from the outside you would never ever know that this is going on. I hermit, hide and try to avoid everyone and everything while it’s happening.
But, have to move forward in a way that honours these parts of my body and cycles…
Like everything else in my life, I keep moving forward, I do not let it define me or stop me …
That while most days are “best day ever, pinch me is this real life” days
Some days I am also hanging on by a thread, sometimes I can’t even find it in me to smile when aaron tried to make me laugh.
Moving forward I’m working with a specialist gynaecologist, trying out different medications and treatments and trying to take care of myself and be as gentle as possible, with irregular cycle it makes managing this pretty tricky, but I’m lucky to have a lot of support around me.
We are humans, imperfectly imperfect, and yeah, some days … being female , fucking sucks
Yesterday was really really hard,
Today I’ve written this and woken up feeling better and a bit more gentle with myself
🤍🤍🤍
** And yes, there’s a part of me that’s like, wait do I want to share this, just because I’m comfortable talking about all this and it’s becoming a lot more normal to speak about, there will be people not ready to see this on their timelines,
It terms of business there was a second where I thought, should I share this ? But of course I should, because I’m not some sparkly perfect unicorn where every day is high vibe amazing, I mean most days are like that … but not every day, and if sharing this helps even one woman to be a bit more compassionate towards herself, I’ll be glad I shared.
